Junk Drawer
Oct 13, 2023
As a “man of words” (lol… as if… more like man-who-somehow-magically-stumbles-on-some-nice-combinations-of-words-every-few-months-thanks-to-his-impossible-love) I should know this, but…
When I've written about “jealousy,” like yesterday, what I've actually been referring to is envy.
I envy your next door neighbor. But anyways, that's not the point.
Point is I just want to clarify… it's not like I'm burning with envy for her or something, lol. I'm more than happy that you have that relationship with her. I think it's fantastic, and I love seeing the two of you out walking together.
No, what I really meant is that… to even just have that level of friendship with you…
Well. It would be magical. Not enough, far from it, but… magical.
Just that, alone, would make my life infinitely better. All that other stuff? I want it, too. Believe me, I never stop thinking of it. But that. I'd take that, if I could, if it was all I was allowed.
sigh
But also, speaking of envy (envy, not jealousy, lol)… I do try to keep that emotion in check, in general. Sometimes, I fail. Seeing you being extra sweet to him? Boy… it's difficult. I mean. I get it (now). But, it's still difficult. But I do try to not let it get to me.
I mean, after all, it's not like you were presented with the choice of him or me, and you chose him. That decision was made nearly a decade before you and I even ever met. And… I've recently come to decide that in all likelihood, even if we had met, there's good chance you would have made the same decision again.
I didn't know you then, but… I think maybe he was what you needed then. Or wanted. Or, likely both, I guess.
But, people change. Or most people. Some don't, which is half of the problem on this side of the world, but that's another topic for another day.
Anyways… I guess, most of the time… it is what it is. Oh, I have my moments, lol. But, it is what it is.
But, anyway. The whole entire reason I'm bringing this up now is that for the past week and a half, at work, I've had to look at his face multiple times a day, lol.
Oh, not actually his face, obviously. An artist's rendering of a historical figure which, for whatever reason, just happens to resemble him just enough. And, I'm not saying that I hate it, I'm not saying that it bothers me or anything… just…
Man. Why does it have to look so much like him? Lol. Why can't they give me a piece of art that looks like you, instead?
Oh well.
I'm going to try to cut back on writing you a bit. I know, I know. I say that from time to time, and just look at the past few months.
And I know that it isn't connected, but…
It's been a week and a half since we've gotten to talk, more than exchanging pleasantries at any rate.
And, in the scheme of things, that isn't really all that long. We've gone much longer on a very regular basis. But. It's too long. I know it's mostly opportunity (or lack thereof). When you've been available, I've been busy. When I've been available, you've been busy. And that's just the reality of our situation.
But it's too long.
Especially now that we've both confessed that we want to spend more time together.
And I know actually getting to do that may very well mean crossing some lines. It doesn't have to mean crossing the lines, but… lines. And I know I've been taking care not to do that, and I'm pretty sure you've been doing the same.
But, love. I think we might need to. Maybe.
Fuck. Why is this so difficult?
Anyways. I do think losing myself in unsentletters may have held me back a while ago, but I haven't done that in months. I mostly don't even look there anymore, except maybe while bored in a hotel room while everyone else sleeps.
And I do not think that me writing you these letters holds me back. I mean, the era during which I've written the most letters to you corresponds with the time we've had the most growth in our relationship. I'm not writing you instead of acting — not anymore, anyways.
But still. At least until we have something solid on the books (not counting the neighborhood party)… Just to make absolutely sure it's not because I'm leaning on these things… I think I'm going to cut back. Or try to.
lol. We'll see how long that lasts (this time).
That reminds me, I don't know if you are even remotely interested in the concert she posted to the neighborhood chat. It doesn't matter. We aren't actually going. We didn't look closely enough at our calendar before buying the tickets, and now I have to sell them. Oops.
But half of what I got in trouble for with that one concert was that I dragged my feet buying the tickets, but then the instant you showed interest, I roped you in. I don't want to have to stop inviting you to things… and, not that it will really make a difference, but… I figure that not dragging my feet on such things may lighten things, at least a tiny bit. So, as soon as she said “buy the tickets,” I bought the tickets, without consulting the calendar. Oops. Anyways.
She does seem to be trying to give me a bit more leash, by the way. Ugh, what a terrible analogy, but… I'm sure you get it. And, it's not that I deserve it… like… at all. But…
She spoke to a friend of hers about that last concert. And the advice she was given was to not worry about it, as long as you and I don't actually cross any lines. And we haven't… not really. 🤷♂️ Who am I to argue? Of course, just because her friend told her that doesn't mean she's practicing it, but… Well. Like I said. She does seem to be trying to give me a bit more leash.
If you did somehow magically read yesterday's letter, I would hope you'd understand that I was joking about “toning it down” wrt to your beauty, lol. I mean. ⭐️. The times I've seen you the least made-up (I'm going to guess early mornings on the camping trips), you've still been breathtaking. You just are.
It's me. I need to get better at accepting that I have, somehow, some way, caught your eye. And that it's always you. Whether you just rolled out of your camper's bed, or you're all dolled up, and everywhere in between. I mean… that night we all went to see that movie and go to the arcade… you didn't pull any punches. You had to have been turning heads (as if you ever don't)… and yet, during intermission you were talking to me about your secret hidden nerd… and you were still rocking that outfit and hair while we crowded around the TMNT machine.
I love that photo of you ladies at the Q*bert machine, btw. And I love that it is legitimately in my photo library. That's the photo for your contact on my phone now, zoomed in and cropped so that it's just you, of course. Gosh. I love all of your very many facial expressions.
Anyways.
It's you peering out from those astounding eyes, always, no matter how you've done your hair, or your makeup, or whatever clothes you've put on. Whether you're simply breathtakingly beautiful (and you are never anything less) or heartstoppingly so, or anywhere in between… it's always still just you.
And somehow, you like me.
Love me, maybe even.
And I need to get used to that.
Speaking of that weekend, that's about where I am now in the letter catogorization process. Ohhhhhh I've got some fun ones coming up! Lol, the camping trip at the lake…
Oh, goodness.
I don't remember everything I said, but I remember the thing about what my body was doing while we were talking about my hammock… and it was absolutely 100% true. I'm not usually that… um… you know… that. But, good grief.
I just wish I had photographic memory, is all I'm sayin'.
Jeepers.
Which reminds me, I had to bite my tongue when our friend was saying that you ladies didn't want to attract attention to that part of your bodies anymore.
I mean.
Maybe she doesn't… She was probably being too hard on herself, but I really couldn't say. But you do. Or could. You would be absolutely justified in wanting to.
I mean.
I don't know how a 40-something mother of two manages to be shaped like that, but… you are.
I imagine it's involved at least some amount of effort on your part. Very probably a lot of effort on your part, lol.
Well. Whether you just lucked into it or you've worked your ass off for it (ahem), I appreciate it. Greatly.
And my attention is attracted to it whether you mean for it to be or not, lol.
Simple man, simple pleasures. Or something.
Anyhow.
(of course… I'd love it regardless since it's attached to you… but… I mean… ye gods)
Guess I'm still in a bit of a mood, huh? lol.
In the “I should be more confident about you” column is the fact that I've caught you surreptitiously taking my photo on multiple occasions, lol. A habit that you are more than welcome to continue. Lord knows, I don't give you enough of them myself. I've been trying, sort of. I've been taking a lot more selfies lately. Figuring I'd include them in various random FB posts, like how you've started including a selfie in many of yours (and, whether those are for me or not, I do consider them like little gifts… and I thank you for them). But…
Well. Here we hit the “I need to be more confident” wall again. Because I look at my selfies and I think…
The more you see me, the less you're going to like me.
Lol.
What a dummy.
I just never like photos of myself. I just can't possibly see what you see there.
But, I need to get over that, too. Because… I mean… I do feel your eyes burning on me from time to time. The intensity in the way you look at me sometimes… I mean, my god.
I'm not sure anyone has ever looked at me like that before… Ever.
And that it's you… Your eyes…
So. I need to get over that. And give you more selfies.
But in the meantime… please… feel free to sneakily take all the photos of me that you want. I promise you… I don't mind. Not even a little bit.
Ok, stopping while I'm ahead, lol. Or… It's probably already too late for that, but I do have work to do.
I hope I see you soon. Soon. Soon. I miss you. Good lord do I miss you.
Love,
♒️